By Alexandra Harper 
People, families, and businesses will be shattered by toxic relationships, but they aren’t just the domain of the weak, depressed, or insecure. It’s possible for strong, healthy, independent people to get stuck in a bad relationship. In the same way, relationships that seem strong at first because “omg we’re so in love you guys” can end in ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the Seine if they weren’t being used to split your assets more “half-ly.”
Love changes over time. They grow and change. They crash and burn sometimes. When our less cute and more annoying habits start to show in public or when we’re drunk or with our in-laws, we never know how things will look.
Some relationships are wrong from the start (Hey, girl, you’re so pretty). You look a lot like my ex. See? This is her picture. That one is yours. They’re in my pocket, on my desk, on my fridge, by my bed, at my mom’s house, as a screen saver, and a lot of other places. At times, I just hold it out in front of me, run backwards, and act like she’s after me. “Baby, do you want some tequila?” There are some people who start out with potential and all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, anger, jealousy, hurt, and history take their place.
We love love. Yes, we do. We never want to come down from the happy, high places that love takes us, but the same heart that can take us to those heights can also trip us up and lead us to something worse. In the heat of love, it can be hard to see. Even worse, you might not realize you’re missing something until you have two kids and a mortgage.
What does a bad relationship look like?
Your happiness, self-esteem, and how you see yourself and the world all get messed up in a bad relationship. Trace of broken hearts, relationships, and people who were hurt by a toxic person will follow them through life. But toxic relationships don’t always end badly just because the person you went for was toxic. Relationships can start out well, but bad feelings, a bad past, or long-term needs that aren’t met can grow and make the relationship and the people in it unhealthy. People who are strong can have it happen to them quickly and easily.
Could I fix it?
Sometimes a fight is worth it, but not always. There will always be problems in a bad relationship:
- Mood swings, anger, and sadness become normal;
- You stay away from each other more and more;
- Work and relationships that aren’t with the bad person start to suffer.
It’s possible that no matter how much you fight, the relationship isn’t going to get better because one or both of you have moved on emotionally. They might not have been there at all, or not in the way you needed them to be. To make things even worse, sticking in a bad relationship will hurt you more and more.
You will fail if you try to hold on to something that isn’t trying to hold on to you. It’s sometimes necessary to let go with love and kindness and move on.
What are some signs that the relationship I’m in is bad for me?
To keep the relationship from ending, you need to be aware that it’s unhealthy. Being in a bad relationship is like having your finger on the button that says “self-destruct.” It’s not always easy to leave a bad relationship, but knowing the signs will help you take back your power and make clear boundaries about what comes into your life and what stays out.
There is a range of toxic behavior. Some of these things happen in every relationship and every person, but that doesn’t make them bad. The consistency, intensity, and damage of a partnership are what make it toxic. These are some of the signs.
It’s not good. All the time.
You wake up feeling just as bad as you did before bed. When you see other couples being happy, it hurts. How come that kind of love couldn’t happen to you? It can, but you have to make room for it to come to you first. You should never find it easy to end a relationship, but if you stay in a bad one for too long, your strength, courage, and confidence will be gone. At that point, you’re stuck.
You’re always ready for the “gotcha.”
You can sometimes see it coming. If it were lit up with stadium floodlights, you might not always be able to see it. Questions turn into traps. “Would you rather hang out with your friends or stay home with me?” Statements turn into traps. “Evening with your boss, you seemed to enjoy it.” There are many parts to a relationship, and at some point you become a hunted animal in a skin suit. People won’t forget you when they “gotcha,” they’ll just enjoy the thrill of catching you. From here, there’s no way to move on. If you make a mistake, it’s seen as proof that you’re not interested enough, wrong, stupid, or something else. What you’re really is that you’re too nice to need this.
It doesn’t make sense for you to say what you need to say.
The people we’re with have important needs. Connection, approval, love, sex, and kindness are some of the big ones. When people make fun of or ignore those needs, the unfulfilled need will ring out like an old church bell. If trying to talk about what you need leads to a fight, another empty promise, or charges of neediness, insecurity, jealousy, or going crazy, you’ll either push the need to the back of your mind or get angry that it keeps being ignored. It’s bad in either case.
There is no work.
Being on the dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re investing in it. Going your own way is sometimes a good thing, but like anything else that’s good for you, too much is not good. They stop giving and start taking too much when they don’t try to love you, spend time with you, or talk about the things that are important to you. When someone says, “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” the only thing you can say is “Yeah.” Could have been better if you weren’t there.
All the work, love, and giving in are yours.
There is no way to keep a friendship going if only one person does all the work. It’s hard to be alone and dull. Don’t give more than you need to if you can’t leave the friendship. Don’t think that if you try, work, say, or do enough, things will get better. Don’t go. Stop right now. You’re good enough. You’ve always been.
When not saying “no” is rude.
People need to be able to say “no” all the time. Don’t get rid of it, not even in the name of love. In fact, don’t get rid of it in the name of love. In order for a relationship to be healthy, both people have to be willing to give and take. Telling your partner what you want is just as important for your partnership as telling them what you don’t want. Find your “no,” clean it up, and know where the button that lets go is. If someone loves you, they’ll understand that you won’t always agree with what they do or say. If someone will only accept you when you say “yes,” it’s probably time to end the friendship. If the space you’re leaving makes you feel bad, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. It’s fixed now.
The score card. I will show you that you are wrong.
Being human means that we make mistakes all the time, which is a beautiful thing. It helps us learn, grow, and figure out who doesn’t deserve us. There are times when even the most loved and committed partners will do stupid or hurtful things. If you keep bringing those things up, they will kill even the best relationship and make the “guilty” person feel small. You have to make a choice at some point: move on or move out. Being shot at over and over again because of your past is a way to control, shame, and influence someone. Having good relationships helps you build on your skills. Toxic ones focus on what you’re not doing well.
You are alone in the battle. Once more.
Your partner and you work together. No matter what happens, you need to know that in public, you have each other’s backs. When people outside the relationship start to throw rocks, the pair gets together and builds a wall around each other. When it comes to public insults, one person in a toxic relationship will often do it all by themselves. Similarly, when someone outside the partnership tries to split up and control the couple, it’s just as easy to do so as if they were never together.
Abuse, either physical or emotional. Or both.
These things are deal-breakers. They are, you know that.
This is too passive-aggressive.
Passively violent behavior is a sneaky way to attack and take control. The toxic part is that it takes away your ability to act and deal with problems directly. The attack is sneaky and usually comes in the form of something else. For example, anger can be hidden as indifference or “whatever”; manipulation can be hidden as permission to do something (like “I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun”); and the worst is a bad guy pretending to be a good guy (like “You seem really tired baby”). We don’t need to go out tonight. No need to go out. You can stay in and make dinner while I go out with Svetlana by myself. Since the cruise was pushed back, she’s been a mess. You can tell that the action or behavior was meant to hurt you or trick you because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not clear enough to deal with the real problem. If something is important enough to make you angry, it should be talked about. But passive-aggressive behavior stops this from happening.
There is no resolution.
There will be problems in every relationship. When two people are in a bad relationship, they argue over everything, so nothing gets done. There is no faith that the other person can handle the problem in a safe and healthy way that keeps the relationship strong. Needs are ignored when this happens, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always make people angry.
I’m going through worse than what you’re going through.
In a healthy friendship, both people need to take turns being helped and helped. When you’re in a bad relationship, the other person will always be the center of attention, even if you need help. I understand that you’re sick and can’t get out of bed, but I have to go to the party by myself, and it’s making me so stressed out. I get to decide what we do next Saturday, okay? [sad face, balloon face, heart face, another heart face, lips face].
Privacy? What, no privacy?
There’s no reason not to trust you unless you’ve done something wrong to your partner, like forgetting you had one on “Singles Saturday.” Everyone has the right to some privacy, and people in good relationships know that this won’t be abused. If your partner looks over all of your bills, records, and texts all the time, this is a sign of unhealthy control. It’s low-class. You’re an adult now, so you don’t need to be watched all the time.
The lies. Oh, the lies!
Telling lies and stealing will destroy trust like it was never there. It’s tough to regain trust after a long loss. It could return in minutes or days, but it’s likely to always feel weak, ready to break with the wrong move. People who are normally strong and healthy can become anxious, jealous, and suspicious in a relationship where they don’t trust each other. The damage is that trust is slowly being lost. When trust is badly broken, sometimes no amount of fighting can fix it. Know when enough is enough. The trust was broken, but it’s your job to make sure you’re not the next one.
Big choices should only be made by important people. It’s clear that you’re not one of them.
When you share your life with someone, you should be able to have a say in the choices that will affect you. You and your partner will always care about each other’s thoughts and feelings. You have a voice that matters. In a healthy relationship, a loving partner will value your ideas and opinions and not act like they don’t exist or think theirs are more important.
I believe I may be in a bad relationship. What now?
Since it’s making you change, it’s time to leave or build a big wall around yourself. (To learn how, click here.) Make it clear where you begin and the relationship ends. Do not get too close to it emotionally, and see it as something that needs to be handled instead of something that needs to be beaten or understood. Find the trends and the things that set them off. Then, pay attention to what’s okay and what’s not. Know that you are strong, whole, and important above all else. Don’t believe any small-minded or narrow-minded person who tells you otherwise. You’re great.
Last but not least…
You could end up in a bad relationship for many reasons, and none of them have anything to do with how brave or strong you are.
There are times when you don’t notice how toxic things are getting until it’s too late. The cost of leaving might seem too high, or you might not have many other choices.
It doesn’t make sense for any relationship to be toxic. If you want to make sense of it, you might point the finger at history, luck, or your own actions. All of this doesn’t really matter. There is no reason for the poison to be there or where it comes from.
There are times when love and happiness don’t go together. If only they did, everything would be so much better, but that doesn’t happen. Love lies to you all the time. Belief can do the same. You should never have to lose yourself in order to stay in a relationship. That’s not appropriate for you at all.
While it’s okay to give up things for your partner, your happiness, self-esteem, and respect should always come first. If two people love each other, the connection will grow, heal, replenish, and come back to life. It doesn’t get smaller. It’s not mean, and it never hurts a warm, open heart. You have everything you need to be happy. When you’re with someone who suffocates those important parts of you, be aware of how they hurt you. You owe yourself everything, not them. You deserve to be happy, to do well, and to feel safe.